I did some research on this to get a better understanding of what these words actually mean. Here are the Merriam-Webster definitions of both selfish and selfless.

In reading the definitions, the first thing that popped into my mind was:

“Hey Barbara, this is Shirley.”

Reason being—they’re really two sides of the same coin. When you think about it, selfishness is being concerned only with yourself, above everyone and everything else. Selflessness, on the other hand, is being concerned with everyone else except yourself.

So what does this mean for us, right?

It means we have to find the middle.

The middle is great.

The middle is where you take time for them and time for you.

The middle is when you make sure your kids have their snacks when you pick them up from school—and you make sure you have your snack, too. It’s when you make sure your home is clean and your house is taken care of, but you also make sure you are clean and you are taken care of.

I know I’m not the only mama 👩‍👧 who missed a shower during the newborn phase—it just is what it is.

What we have to remember is that while we’re called to care for others, we also have to care for ourselves. Depending on our roles in life, both matter. There’s a time and a place for everything.

Ecclesiastes 3 tells us there’s “a time for everything under the sun.” That means there’s a time to take care of yourself. There’s a time for you. There’s a time for you to go to the gym, to sit down and read a book, and to actually drink that first cup of coffee—interrupted or not.

But either way, you have to carve out that time for you.

You have to find what your middle looks like.

⸻

Try this exercise:

Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.

On one side, write selfless.

On the other, write selfish.

Now list the things in your life that fit under each word.

Whatever feels selfish—write it down.

Whatever feels selfless—write it down.

Then, fold the paper in half along the line.

In that middle space, start writing ideas or activities where you can meet in between—things that help you balance both sides.

Because there are things you can do to make your life better, but it starts with you.

⸻

Example:

For me and my daughter, she has a very strict nighttime routine that she has to stick to—it drives me crazy, but it helps her settle down faster, so it works for us.

After bath time, she needs to see pictures and videos of animals and have a book read to her (which she calls a “book story”).

Now, it would seem selfish of me to say,

“No, I don’t want to read your book story or show you animals—just go to bed.”

And it would seem selfless of me to sit there all night going through countless animal videos and endless book stories.

So, the middle ground—the compromise—is that I say:

“Okay, you can watch one or two videos” (her favorite is extinct dinosaurs),

“and then we’ll read one book story.”

She agrees, and once it’s done, she goes off to sleep—and I can move on to whatever I need to do afterward.

See what I mean?

We met in the middle.

I didn’t have to be selfish, and I didn’t have to completely give up my own needs either.

We both won.

She didn’t have to cry because I wouldn’t participate, and I didn’t have to get stuck watching endless dinosaur clips. It worked for both of us.

⸻

So again—think about it.

Think about your life.

Think about all the pulls and responsibilities you have.

How can you still show up for them—but also show up for yourself?

Drop your thoughts in the comments below. 💬